By Katy Ripp | Photo courtesy Katy Ripp
I didn’t fall apart all at once. No dramatic breakdown — just a slow fade into a life that looked #blessed, but felt like a knockoff of someone else’s dream. I checked the boxes: I had the house, the kids, the businesses. But the more I achieved, the more I disappeared. Unwinding meant a bottle-of-wine-a-night habit and a never-ending hangover.
When I quit drinking in my early forties and enrolled in a coaching certification, our first assignment was a values exercise — and it knocked me sideways. For the first time, I understood what a value really was. Not a virtue. Not a role. Not a personality trait. It was something I could choose — and actually build a life around. That realization cracked something open in me and it’s been my mission to help other women find their way to that kind of clarity ever since.
When I ask clients to name their values, I usually hear words like: Family. Honesty. Kindness. Success. Balance. Health. These are all beautiful things — but more often, these might be surface-level qualities, and not necessarily the deeper drivers of our choices.
Take “family.” Technically, family is a relationship, not a value. The real magic is what family represents to you. Maybe it’s nurturing — the way you love showing up for your loved ones. Or dependability — being someone they can count on. Or fun — inside jokes and late-night kitchen dance parties. Maybe it’s quality time or the joy of tradition. That’s where your real values live: not in the title, but in the texture of the lived experience.
When you’re misaligned, life starts to feel … off. You say “yes” when you mean “no.” Goals that once lit you up now feel like someone else’s to-do list. You’re exhausted, resentful and secretly fantasizing about canceling plans.
Ask yourself these questions to start narrowing in on your own values:
When do I feel most like myself?
Maybe it’s leading a brainstorm, dancing in the kitchen or working in silence — clues that point to values like creativity, fun or autonomy.
What do I protect even when no one’s watching?
Your nighttime ritual, slow mornings or solo walks might reveal values like consistency, intention or peace.
What drains me — even if it looks good on paper?
Maybe networking, the perfect house or a packed calendar make you feel depleted. These could be signs that you value depth, simplicity or freedom instead.
If something here resonates with you, keep going. You don’t need a total life overhaul — just honest answers to what’s actually driving you (and what’s not). Once you get clear on what really lights you up? Everything else gets a whole lot easier to say yes — or no — to.
Need help finding your values? I offer a free values discovery guide at katyripp.com/values.
