By Amanda N. Wegner
No matter where you are on your workplace’s organizational chart, it’s critical to hone your communication skills — and, importantly, your conflict mediation and resolution skills — to navigate challenging situations and conversations.
“Big and small conflict is everywhere,” says Diana Pastrana. “It’s … a fact of human nature.”
Pastrana owns Defyne, LLC, a Madison-based consulting firm focused on conflict management. In business for two years, she serves as an ombuds to organizations and companies, acting as a neutral third party to help employees and leaders navigate and mediate conflicts.
“I help coach them through the current conflicts that they’re in,” she explains. “The idea is to generate options for them. Then, they can choose their path in managing the conflict.”
Pastrana sees four primary drivers of workplace conflict, all of which can lead to difficult conversations: miscommunication; unclear or unspoken expectations; inconsistent practices; and organizational and cultural differences.
Drawing on her experience and the tools and processes she offers through Defyne, Pastrana gives her take on how to approach common conflicts in the workplace.
Situation: You don’t like how a colleague communicates with you.
Miscommunication can be tone, verbal language or written communication, says Pastrana. “I see a lot of conflicts with this, especially in a hybrid work environment.”
Pastrana recommends first reflecting on why this is an issue for you — what are you feeling or experiencing? What are your beliefs about the situation? Then, look at it from the other person’s lens.
With that perspective, think or talk through how you might share your concerns with the other person, including why it’s important to you. Then talk it out.
“It’s about opening up those lines of communication to have a candid conversation with that person to share your lens, but also making space so they can express where they were coming from.”
Situation: You and your colleague have different working styles.
Pastrana suggests using the lens exercise to first identify what you need and what your colleague needs, then turn it into a process problem instead of a people or personality problem. For instance, if your colleague is more social and you’re down to business, create meeting agendas that allow time at the start of a meeting for friendly banter and socializing before you move into the business at hand.
Situation: You aren’t on the same page as a colleague.
Conflicts like this, says Pastrana, are often driven by unclear or unspoken expectations.
“As humans, we have a lot of things we don’t communicate or communicate poorly, and then those things can create conflict because people are left with a lot of room to interpret.”
This is especially common when two parties — teams, leaders, or colleagues — are given different goals or overarching priorities aren’t identified. In a situation like this, Pastrana recommends asking curious questions to uncover possibilities.
“As people, we like solutions. But talking possibilities instead of solutions can help you find common interests and help you work together to find a shared solution.”
Also, consider who else should be in the room.
“The biggest indicator of when you should escalate a conflict is when neither of you have the authority to make the decision.”
Situation: You’re unsure of how to deliver constructive feedback or criticism to a colleague or a direct report.
Handling this situation starts well before the conflict or conversation ever occurs.
“This is about consistency,” says Pastrana. “You want to proactively build relationships with people. You want to proactively give feedback on a regular basis so people aren’t surprised. Then, when you do have a conflict, you have that trust built up in the system to have the hard conversation.”
Additionally, don’t wait to give feedback. “The longer you wait, the more people feel embarrassed that they weren’t told sooner.”
It also helps to understand and remind yourself that you’re giving constructive criticism for the other person’s benefit.
“If we think about it as a genuine act of caring for the other person, that can help us calm down and approach it more genuinely.”
